warm weather always equates to people acting like tornadoes behind the wheel. i don’t know if it’s because a forced sense of safety is instilled into everyone in the winter because of black ice and slush so once you can go 55 in a 30 without careening into a snow bank it’s like

all over the damn interstate. here are some handy tips for those of you that become total yankee doodle d-bags in the car.

- situation: it’s 84 degrees and slightly breezy outside; a six-year-old with a lot of life ahead of him decides that he will bike to the park today. he drives down a road with a very small shoulder. i’m in my whip driving on the opposite side of the street when i see that you are approaching me from the other direction, the kid on the bicycle in between us. you don’t want to hit the youngster, so instead of stopping and waiting for me to pass, you cross the line (usually two solid lines, unlike the rendition below) which is both an illegal move and puts my life and the child’s in danger.

i don’t want to play chicken with you like that one scene from stand by me. if the pedestrian or biker is ON YOUR SIDE OF THE ROAD, YOU ARE THE ONE THAT NEEDS TO STOP OR SLOW DOWN.

- situation: it’s so beautiful outside that only robert frost or ernest hemingway could do the description justice. you are distracted by the way the sun hits the stop sign that you begin to drift into my lane, cutting me off and then over-correcting yourself and almost hitting another driver. pay attention to ur driving, bro. please don’t turn me into a paraplegic because you’re having a lester burnham IT’S HARD TO STAY MAD WHEN THERE’S JUST SO MUCH BEAUTY IN THE WORLD moment. do it on the sidewalk, or in the backyard, but not on the road, please.

- back seat, windows up, that’s the way i like to….keep my dog from jumping out in the middle of a busy four lane road. when your little pup is in the front seat letting his tongue soak up the summer breeze and the window is all the way down and he practically has his hind legs sticking out, it’s scary to the rest of us because we don’t want to become “that guy.” not all of us have michelin on our side!

- not related to summer, some dude flipped me off hardcore when i stopped at a yellow light about to go red. this prompts me to say road rage sparingly. i’ve been driving for almost 3 years and nobody has ever exposed their middle finger to me, probably because i am a good driver. my new nannying job is about thirty minutes and a highway change away from where i am used to driving but for some reason the people who drive there are maniacs. i’ve gotten beeped at three times (and the subsequent hand motions) for….being stuck at a red light. here, let me plow through the three cars in front of me so you can get to your shitty 9-5 office job on time. whatever, get mad at me if i do something stupid because i will understand but don’t let that vein pop out of your forehead over something trivial, like me making a left turn. cuz when you’re like this..

i’m all…

at u getting ur titties knotted over banal stuff.