april is a lovely month. it’s the first foray into spring since most of march doesn’t really count, and there are a number of great holidays to celebrate along the way. let’s reflect:
april fools day! how did you prank your friends and loved ones? i texted my dad to tell him about my plans to drop out of university to work full-time at a tanning salon at the suggestion of my boyfriend who “really just sees potential in mixing paints at sherman-williams for a while.” he replied with, “who asked YOU out???? LOL!” okay POPS, you’ll be having the last laugh at the expense of my so-sad-it’s-almost-hilarious love life when i finish my memoir about the aforementioned trials and tribulations with boys that i will aptly title infinite jest. eat your heart out dad, and eat your heart out david foster wallace!
national humor month! i can’t believe nobody pilliaged my blog and burned it at the stake to rectify all the horrible, unfunny things i’ve ever said, especially after tina fey’s bossypants came out this month, which i just purchased yesterday and already read it cover-to-cover. i love that woman. in 6th grade health class, we created “me boxes,” which was just a paper covered box that, on each side, we wrote about who we were, what hobbies we enjoyed, what we wanted to do when we grow up, etc.
“what i’d really like is to do wayne’s world for a living. it might happen. yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt.”
the humorous? pathetic? endearing? part about this is that my plans for the future have hardly deterred, except for the part where i want to write a movie. i don’t think i have the patience or talent to pen a screenplay or be surrounded by actors all the time. i also don’t know how to write fluidly without the assistance of funny gifs i didn’t make or youtube videos i also didn’t make. except for this one:
spring break! what were your plans? i’m on spring break now and last night i raged with my parents by watching “it’s complicated.” i actually have a legitimate fear that my father might leave my mom for alec baldwin. he kept letting out these deep sighs of affection and saying “look at alec,” like he was looking at him at the end of the aisle at their quixotic civil union ceremony. he also let out these peter griffin-esque chortles at everything alec did. so glad we chose not to watch the hunt for red october, because not only is he 20x the babe in that (making it 20x more likely for my dad to suddenly divorce my mom and start showing up at 30 rock tapings) but also, this. gross.
i wish i could be on a real spring break right now but i need to afford groceries for when i move into my new apartment so that i’m not living post-apocolyptic style a la the road eating decomposing sewer rat carcasses coated in a-1 steak sauce (not like that’s any different than college food, CHARTWELLS). maybe one day i’ll bring shame to my family by wyling out on camera in acapulco, mexico but for now i’ll just spend my days making a little bit above minimum wage to support my kashi cereal habit. junkie.
4/20! that’s my mom’s birthday! that’s hitler’s birthday! that’s the anniversary of the columbine massacre! that’s a national holiday for pot smokers everywhere! that’s not all, either. yikes!
easter and passover are almost upon us! jewish friends: have you stayed kosher? are you preparing for tomorrow’s the fast of the firstborn (yay firstborns!)? christian friends: have you eaten so many peeps and jelly beans that you’ve actually given yourself type 2 diabetes? have you broken lent/your second shot at a new years resolution? i slipped up on my sweets intake after about two weeks. it seemed as though dessert continually came up in conversation, and as the beach boys once said, “you know it seems the more we talk about it, it only makes it worse to live without it.” that’s why i also gave up hot showers. i haven’t ditched the idea of asceticism completely. doin’ it for Jesus.
if april showers bring may flowers, i’m holding next month to the highest of expectations!