today marks three weeks of being twenty. today i ate half a bag of wasabi peas (mistake #1) and drank only coffee (mistake #2) which caused me to shit so violently i tired myself out. this onset of fatigue and dehydration has lead to the first of many existential crises that i believe will facilitate me in reaching my zenith of sagacity and awesomeness by age thirty. or forty.

at age twenty, jane austen began writing her magnum opus, pride and prejudice. bill gates was twenty when he dropped out of harvard and co-founded microsoft. sometimes i believe i’m destined to metaphorically expel half-digested wasabi peas out of my asshole forever. i feel as though i’m two steps and $20,000 away from pulling an eat, pray, love and just going to find myself in india. unfortunately that plan employs a whole lot of eastern mysticism/fetishism and with all the feminist theory i’ve been indulging in this semester, i don’t think i’ll be able to explore the deepest parts of myself at the expense of appropriating another culture. so what am i to do? life has just been a series of being a square peg in a round hole, making puns and being a pervert- sometimes all three at once. is there a field in which i can exploit this talent?

i’ve listened to the barbara streisand version of “don’t rain on my parade”  several times in the last 21 days if that tells you what type of mini quarter-life crisis i’m having (substitute: “kiss from a rose” by seal and “perfect day” by hoku). the other day i found myself getting surprisingly angry at the fact that nobody ever found amelia earhart. i’m going stir-crazy but unsure of how to quell the feeling that simultaneously plagues me and serves as a catalyst for most of my writing in the least taylor swift-y way possible: girl in small metropolis yearning to see the rest of the world. i’ve been in the same city for nearly two decades and starting to feel like charlie bucket about to hit an allegorical glass ceiling. the verisimilitude of that scene for me is gripping- 50% of the time, belching can get you out of sticky situations. however, these circumstances require more craftiness.