what have i been doing lately?

1) 

reason for split: this tall glass of water saw the pictures of me in the last entry and fell in love with me?

HAHAHAHAHA, IN MY DREAMS

tim robbins, if you ever see this, i love the way you handled sinead o’connor ripping up that picture of the pope. you’ve aged so gracefully and maybe if you didn’t look like my uncle ted, i would hang a poster of you up on my wall and just stare at it for hours (half joking!). i actually just imbd’d you and realized that you played an assassin in network! that means you must have breathed the same air as faye dunaway. no wonder you rule so hard. also, i get sigourney weaver and susan sarandon confused. i even confused the two as i was typing this.

2) i just used imdb as a verb

3)

lisa rinna has brought over 1,400 views to my website, because what you don’t see are the 88 views brought to you by “lisa rinna’s lips.” i wrote one entry in november 2009 about cups that alluded to lisa rinna’s lips looking like a prolapsed rectum (which isn’t an original joke, might i add. it’s a mean but astute observation that i found to be semi-accurate). i guess that entry is now invalidated. it was true at the time, though.

4) i just watched adventureland. good stuff right there. soundtrack included the velvet underground and the cure, and kristen stewart’s character even had a bum playlist (mixtape, rather, as the movie was set in the 80′s) just like me! i’m still not sure why i’m not making out with jesse eisenberg, especially because 1) i don’t mumble 2) SPOILER ALERT!!!! i don’t sleep with ryan reynolds behind his back. he played mark zuckerberg in the social network which i saw last night and thoroughly enjoyed. it is another movie like bonnie and clyde that make it even easier for me to request megan fox to play me in my biopic…

uhh….sean parker looks more like brian krakow from my so-called life.

4) RANT! i downloaded fatbooth for my iphone. all this app does is use the photoshop expand tool on one’s chin and cheeks to make him or her look fat. all somebody has to do is smile straight on and the phone works its magic. or you can make faces, like i do…

i will post horrible, unflattering pictures taken in real time of myself  just looking ugly on the internet because that’s actually what i actually look like. it’s understandable that not everyone is as shameless/socially hindered to do something like that, but you’d be astonished at the amount of people who get really upset over these digitally altered pictures (operative words being DIGITALLY ALTERED). it’s not like i hold my iphone to people’s heads torturing them abu ghirab style demanding that they TAKE THIS PICTURE NOW (except for once, sort of, when i was bored and fatboothed a picture of a picture of brendan) but for some, curiosity kills the cat via too much fancy feast and table scraps because they want to know what they’d look like at 400 lbs and when they’ve got OHMYGOD a double chin, life ends there and since i am the messenger, they shoot me for it . it reminds me of how death usually comes second to public speaking in surveys of people’s fears. i should create an app giving people rodney dangerfield eyes and see how they like that.

i watched bonnie and clyde in my new american cinema class today. this is the real bonnie parker:

faye dunaway portrays bonnie in this film opposite the debonair warren beatty as clyde. have any of you ever had the privilege of looking at faye?

i’m not even speaking metaphorically when i say i just SHATTERED into a million pieces like drake in that sprite commercial knowing that i will never be graced with the resounding charm that ms. dunaway possesses and seems to effortlessly convey on and off screen. ~le sigh~

(last name embarassment, first name secondhand)

faye beret! itslaurenservideo.com, the new rhymezone.com

fact: warren beatty and shirley maclaine are brother and sister! do you think it would be cute if i put my copies of “irma la douce” and “bonnie and clyde” next to each other on my dvd shelf?

i wonder if the real bonnie parker would have guessed that someone as bewitchingly beautiful as faye dunaway would take on the role of her in a movie that grossed over 50 million in 1967. i understand that this movie errs on the side of historical accuracy, especially regarding how dunaway and beatty look nothing like the actual bonnie and clyde. maybe amanda wasn’t all that far off. if there is ever a lauren servideo biopic, megan fox will depict me rotting away in front of a computer screen, procrastinating on political economy of mass media readings.

you guys don’t see the resemblance now?

WHATEVER, HATERS

oh yeah, and you can certainly count on mr. beatty being categorized under “weaknessess: men in undershirts” I AM SO JEALOUS OF YOU, ANNETTE BENING.

I’M BACKkKkKkK…

and the internet continues to churn out the weirdest crap EVER!

this is today’s headline on yahoo:

why don’t i have million-dollar hair?

(after i left my hair up in a ponytail for two days last semester)

by the same token, why isn’t nicholas cage’s hair insured for at least TWO million dollars?

i found out today that for one of my journalism classes, i need to create a twitter AND a tumblr. we need to find our own “beats,” which is essentially a topic on which we will focus most of our posts. i am so torn between cultural commentary and fashion that i decided i would just post this video of guinea pigs eating watermelon every day for the whole semester so that when my professor finally checks the site, it’s like the scene from “the shining” where wendy finds out that jack just wrote “all work and no play makes jack a dull boy” for the entire stay at the overlook hotel.

and then when she thinks she is done scrolling, that picture at the end of “the shining” shows up:

no, no, not that one! this one:

but wait…

i went on vacation for two weeks. and i can’t stop watching the princess diaries. this is like my phase when i would watch goodfellas all day, making time only for the bathroom, the kitchen, and the gym but it’s not nearly as severe. julie andrews, hbic? YES

i went on vacation for two weeks, hence the lack of posts. on that trip i found out that i’m actually really pretty…

INTERNET JUNK:

- weird facebook tags

- i was on aim the other day when i realized that people can still make/have profiles. oh, you.

- through an unusual series of events, i found videos of “jessi slaughter.” i’d love to know what cocktail of drugs this child is on because that slurring is wild. it’s reminiscent of judy garland’s last years of life. somewhere over the rainbow, bitches.

amanda, in all her 6-year-old glory, tried to tell me i looked like megan fox in this picture from a pop-up ad:

………

…………..

(more…)

so is june the month everyone drinks over-reaction juice?

\

while i was looking for the gem of a story above, i found this:

I SUBMITTED TEN PUNS TO A PUN CONTEST, HOPING ONE WOULD WIN BUT NO PUN IN TEN DID…..

sooooo, nothing new in the nannying world. both the girls fell in love with “hey jude” by the beatles after i played it in the car and now they know the lyrics. it’s not zeppelin or dylan, but it’s close. the little one, amanda, said britney spears had a “pretty voice.” i also discovered that everything louis ck ever said about children was so spot on.

facebook people know this already but i am leaving golds gym and joining la boxing for mma training…(more like kickboxing classes, but shhhh). it’s going to be like “million dollar baby” episode of it’s always sunny.

edit: it’s too bad they asked me to fork over $74 dollars a month to learn how to kick butt. looks like i am going to have to resort to rocky training rather than doing it in a nice, climate-controlled environment.

warm weather always equates to people acting like tornadoes behind the wheel. i don’t know if it’s because a forced sense of safety is instilled into everyone in the winter because of black ice and slush so once you can go 55 in a 30 without careening into a snow bank it’s like

all over the damn interstate. here are some handy tips for those of you that become total yankee doodle d-bags in the car.

- situation: it’s 84 degrees and slightly breezy outside; a six-year-old with a lot of life ahead of him decides that he will bike to the park today. he drives down a road with a very small shoulder. i’m in my whip driving on the opposite side of the street when i see that you are approaching me from the other direction, the kid on the bicycle in between us. you don’t want to hit the youngster, so instead of stopping and waiting for me to pass, you cross the line (usually two solid lines, unlike the rendition below) which is both an illegal move and puts my life and the child’s in danger.

i don’t want to play chicken with you like that one scene from stand by me. if the pedestrian or biker is ON YOUR SIDE OF THE ROAD, YOU ARE THE ONE THAT NEEDS TO STOP OR SLOW DOWN.

- situation: it’s so beautiful outside that only robert frost or ernest hemingway could do the description justice. you are distracted by the way the sun hits the stop sign that you begin to drift into my lane, cutting me off and then over-correcting yourself and almost hitting another driver. pay attention to ur driving, bro. please don’t turn me into a paraplegic because you’re having a lester burnham IT’S HARD TO STAY MAD WHEN THERE’S JUST SO MUCH BEAUTY IN THE WORLD moment. do it on the sidewalk, or in the backyard, but not on the road, please.

- back seat, windows up, that’s the way i like to….keep my dog from jumping out in the middle of a busy four lane road. when your little pup is in the front seat letting his tongue soak up the summer breeze and the window is all the way down and he practically has his hind legs sticking out, it’s scary to the rest of us because we don’t want to become “that guy.” not all of us have michelin on our side!

- not related to summer, some dude flipped me off hardcore when i stopped at a yellow light about to go red. this prompts me to say road rage sparingly. i’ve been driving for almost 3 years and nobody has ever exposed their middle finger to me, probably because i am a good driver. my new nannying job is about thirty minutes and a highway change away from where i am used to driving but for some reason the people who drive there are maniacs. i’ve gotten beeped at three times (and the subsequent hand motions) for….being stuck at a red light. here, let me plow through the three cars in front of me so you can get to your shitty 9-5 office job on time. whatever, get mad at me if i do something stupid because i will understand but don’t let that vein pop out of your forehead over something trivial, like me making a left turn. cuz when you’re like this..

i’m all…

at u getting ur titties knotted over banal stuff.

i am very helpful:

i hate teenagers. this chick was in a christmas tree parking lot sobbing/arguing with her mom over her cellphone getting taken away. bad pic but she was wearing black converse, b/w striped knee-highs, a black mini skirt, and a shirt with some twilight kid on the front that said “so the lion fell in love with the lamb.”

this picture is from when my cousin nico, his friend ian, dom and i went on a joy ride and we whitney houston’ed all the way to downtown schenectady- born to run by bruce springsteen, with a little bit of help from my friends by joe cocker, forever young by bob dylan and old man by neil young. i remember the “set list” because we totally murdered it. nothing is better than that first nice day of spring and you’re not the one chauffeuring everyone around for once and you get to sing at other cars driving 65 down the highway knowing that nothing else matters in that moment but it’s hard to stay mad, when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst… And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life..OOPS, i guess i just quoted american beauty, didn’t i? my stupid little life rules.

i was hanging with my friends brian and mike when i went to go look up a youtube video on my iphone and apparently i looked this up previously. i was like, “WHO DID THIS??” and then they reminded me that i was the one who looked this up the last time we were together. i was curious, okay??

i bet there’s rich folks eating in a fancy dining car. they’re probably drinking coffee and eating stale corn dogs

curiosity got the best of me and i watched the drake “over” video.

I’M NAMED AFTER A SNACK FFFFFFOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDD

stay beautiful

my dad

before i start this review, i’d like to clarify something. last year i said that my children would be just like this one day. while i still want my miniature johnny cash, i’m also ready to be a cool mom:

i went to bogies on a saturday night which is exactly what you shouldn’t do unless you’re going to see a band. this place is a tuesday/thursday night for almost everyone.

attire: like the abbott, nix any excess clothing. i mean, it’s not as bad, but it’s still hot as balls.

smells: nothing stood out to me. the scent is defined by body sweat and a whole cluster of deodorant, cologne and perfume.

music: this place rules because you can go one night when a dj is spinning records and the next night a screamo band is flopping around. however, on the saturday i attended, a bunch of pretty good bands played in the pit area (i suppose you could call it that), but i walked over toward the bar to take down some notes, and summer breeze was playing

i was half-expecting two 30-something losers to start making out to bob segar’s “turn the page” but it never happened. i did see a paraplegic receive a lap dance from a lady friend and it made up for the tonsil hockey that never came to be.

lines: saturday night my friend molly and i got inside in under 30 seconds. however, i went out with some friends several weeks ago to bogies and we waited on line for at least 45 minutes and i ended up bailing because i am truly a 60 year old woman who, on friday nights, just wants to watch movies on the couch with a blanket and tea. and get her back scratched.

bouncers: i didn’t include this in my last review but it’s worth noting. i was able to talk to the bouncers to a good 20 minutes due to the lack of people waiting to get inside. i didn’t catch their names, but they told me they liked my pink doc martens. alas, they’re good in my book! they both were nice and explained that they don’t want to be rude to the patrons unless they have to be that way. for reference, one of the bouncers at the abbott was definitely a vietnam war vet. he’s not the kind of guy who would warm up to you immediately but buy him a hot breakfast at a cheap diner and he probably has a million and a half stories to tell. the other bouncer was juiced up, orange, had gelled hair combed downward. he had a twinge of sadness in his eyes, probably because he has to work two jobs just to keep support himself (there is no way he is not in the construction business during the day time. i can guarantee there is a barbed wire tattoo on his bicep even if he didn’t take off his white hoodie).

moral of the story: bogies is one of those places that is so eclectic, it just depends on the type of person you are and what night you choose to go that i can’t deliver any kind of legitimate answer on whether or not you should check this place out. for the most part, i say