have you ever been certain you were going to spend the rest of your life with someone? i have:

they were on the today show today and the 1997 version of me, aka hanson stan, went bonkers. they are all married and have gorgeous wives so of course a meth addict like myself would never end up in the arms of someone from the band that defined the late 90′s zeitgeist.

mix of phil spector and (drug addled) lindsay lohan. i walked around like this all. day.

i look like your aunt who accidently burns everyone with her newports and has a tattoo on her lower back of winnie the pooh reaching into a honey jar.

dream boats:

they’re all brunettes!!

I COULDA BEEN A CONTENDER, INSTEAD OF A BUM, WHICH IS WHAT I AM

once upon a time, holden caulfield said

“I was half in love with her by the time we sat down. That’s the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they’re not much to look at, or even if they’re sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are.”

and i think he was lying

i’ve officially been bitten by the (film) photography bug. my cousin alicia kills it when it comes to the camera and she has since i was young. one of my favorite memories is when she invited me to go with her to ritz camera to pick up some photos from her trip to europe (this is going back about 10 years, and she was still a little older than i am currently). it sounds so incredibly lame but i get turned on by the most boring of activities.

anyways, to make a long story short, my 18th birthday present was a yashica t4 camera that sha recommended to me since i was looking to get into film. lo and behold, i go to turn on the camera and it’s sucking the juice out of the battery the way a boring lecture class sucks the life out of you. that’d be awesome and very easy to repair if, say, the company was still around. this guy named mark hama has had it since october and finally found the part the camera needs to stop killing the battery. it is en route to him but i was at goodwill the other day when a kodak advantix t 550 was on sale for $7.00 and i took the chance and bought it while i wait for my yashica. the yashica is definitely a nicer camera (and the film is way cheaper) but this will do. between today and yesterday i took some test shots. they’re mostly of my cat since i have no friends (lol, jk sorta) but i will get more! PROMISE

at first i was like “wow, this poll is balls! nobody is prettier than megan fox except for the Virgin Mary,” and even then i’m all:

but then i clicked and

whoohoo!

if she can do it, i can try but i probably won’t succeed. one sweet day:

]

i went for a run when it was about 70 degrees and i turned a dark shade of lobster. and i was so sweaty. i was all over craigslist missed encounters that day

facemask, done 10 minutes ago

i look like nicholas cage’s son

happy easter bros…or not

i always get strangers coming up to me going “SMILE!!” and im like ……. sorry my default face looks like this.even my sister is programmed that way

there is one more that honestly blows the rest of these away but dom has to give it to me. it might even beat nikki minaj stills

and this from the how to netti pot video

big news! over the summer i will be nannying for two girls, aged 6 and 11 from 630am to 530pm, five days a week. this obviously leaves no time for blogging so im like

thinking about how this blog has so much potential to diminish during that time. however, i have come up with an appropriate segment called

aka

“kids say the darnest things.” obviously i won’t stop posting on everything else, since the format of how i get content for this dweebsite isn’t much different than what i will be doing. well, that’s kind of a lie. kids require less internet. but i always carry a notepad and pen on me for when i see stuff irl that i need to remember. and an iphone.

i’m mostly excited because of the almost infinite power i have over these very malleable children. their dad asked that we do a few hours of homework and reading in the morning which means i am totally whipping out “To Kill a Mockingbird” which i read for the first time in 4th grade and would love to read to them out loud. that’s my favorite book (Lolita too, but i obviously can’t read that to them. barf). favorite literary quotes:

“I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It’s when you know you’re licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do.” – Atticus Finch, To Kill a Mockingbird

“They’re certainly entitled to think that, and they’re entitled to full respect for their opinions… but before I can live with other folks I’ve got to live with myself.  The one thing that doesn’t abide by majority rule is a person’s conscience.”  - Atticus Finch, To Kill a Mockingbird

“Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
5 From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-cross’d lovers take their life;
Whole misadventured piteous overthrows
Do with their death bury their parents’ strife.
The fearful passage of their death-mark’d love,
10 And the continuance of their parents’ rage,
Which, but their children’s end, nought could remove,
Is now the two hours’ traffic of our stage;
The which if you with patient ears attend,
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.” – Romeo and Juliet (not a book, shut up) Prologue, Shakesphere

“Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta. She was Lo, plain Lo, in the morning, standing four feet ten in one sock. She was Lola in slacks. She was Dolly at school. She was Dolores on the dotted line. But in my arms she was always Lolita. Did she have a precursor? She did, indeed she did. In point of fact, there might have been no Lolita at all had I not loved, one summer, an initial girl-child. In a princedom by the sea. Oh when? About as many years before Lolita was born as my age was that summer. You can always count on a murderer for a fancy prose style. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, exhibit number one is what the seraphs, the misinformed, simple, noble-winged seraphs, envied. Look at this tangle of thorns.” – Humbert Humbert, Lolita

“I was half in love with her by the time we sat down. That’s the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they’re not much to look at, or even if they’re sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are.” Holden Caulfield, Catcher in the Rye

“Because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.” Anne Frank, Diary of Anne Frank

“The unreal is more powerful than the real. Because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on. If you can change the way people think. The way they see themselves. The way they see the world. You can change the way people live their lives. That’s the only lasting thing you can create.” – Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

this is all i can think of at the top of my head.

new world record: two weeks without updating!! i haven’t gone through any of the people who have my in their blog links/sidebar, but i can almost guarantee i’ve been extracted and/or bumped to the bottom. such is the life…of having a life and not having time to update. i have been on the internet though, and it’s been really weird. findings:

one of the reasons why i hate movies is because they make the rest of the world (namely men) think that public engagements are clever and cute and exactly what we (womans) want. NO, NO, NO, NO. it never works for all the dudes at the hockey/basketball/baseball games, and i have yet to meet another female who enjoys getting asked to prom or getting asked to take your hand in marriage in front of everyone. it’s a private moment. similar to the way you try not to have diarrhea in the school bathroom in front of all the popular girls (and because that stock toilet paper is the devil’s sandpaper), please stop asking really personal questions that might embarass ya if i said no.

there are 50 comments on that status, god bless us all

mandy moore’s candy video is so suggestive and i never realized it. you know who you are, your love’s as sweet as candy, i’ll be forever yours. love always, mandy

kesha and john travolta. YIKES RESEMBLANCE. thanks ontd for stills.

and lastly, but most important, king curtis vs. latarian “hoodrat things” milton? decide for yourself and leave a comment explaining why

sooo i was doing a little research and found cryingwife.com. husband records his wife at the end of movies while she is sobbing and it’s pretty funny. like myself, she cries at films you normally wouldn’t find yourself getting emotional over (star wars, back to the future, etc.) but her husband records it for the rest of us to see. seriously, why didn’t i think of this? i should compile a list of all the entries on here of when i watched stuff and cried, like kiwi:

i am still really proud of the fact that i sat through THE END OF SCHINDLERS LIST, BAMBI, AND THE LION KING and did not cry. i mean, yeah, i killed it at the mr. rogers video but that is soooo much progress for me. i need to set up a rewards system.

let the record show that it is 3:21 am, and i am in my bed SOBBING my eyeballs out. totalfilm.com came out with an ‘ultimate tearjerker’ list which lead me to watching the saddest parts in all my favorite movies:

beaches

homeward bound

stand by me (growing sadder, but still no crying. “we’re never going to get out of this town” and “cya”"not if i see you first” usually force me to succumb to my overwhelming emotions but not this time)

the wrestler

it’s a wonderful life

schindler’s list

fox and the hound

dumbo

the lion king (and this is where i start tearing up)

bambi (obviously by this point i am deeevastated but there are still no tears running down my cheeks believe it or not). however, a looooooong time ago, at least 12 years ago, i must have been 5 at the most. i watched bambi with my mother and wept on her lap. i remember it so vividly. i think everyone has a story similar to this…

but i watch this video and that’s when i am seriously DESTROYED. think of the scene in the shining where all the blood comes gushing down the hall way but turn those into tears and this my friends, is what you have. to be specific, i started at the 3:34 mark but if you have any sense at all, watch the entire video in it’s entirety and DEFINITELY stay for the ending

mr. rogers was my first crush and im not even going to front, i miss this guy a ton. the waterworks prove it:

if anybody knows of any more sad movies, let me know because i will record my reaction and post it here. unfortunately youtube doesn’t have the scene in forrest gump (my third favorite movie of all time) where SPOILER ALERT forrest is at jenny’s grave but i bet if i saw that right before the lion king and mr. rogers i would have woken up the whole house with my cries! ahh, such a baby. also, yall should ask my aunt about the time i went to go see my dog skip at the theatre and my parents had to carry me out. i was 8, whatever..please don’t judge. my dog had died earlier that year and it aaaaaallllll came rushing back! rude family, dang, cool empathy skills you jerks. you can pretty much count on any movie where a dog gets hurt or dies for me to bring the tears. and the end of steel magnolias, which i am too weak to look up on youtube.

STOP. IT.

this is why i will never go on a cruise, ever. there is no convincing me otherwise. my dad loves fishing and using our friends boat on lake placid and i can barely stand that. well, the first few minutes anyway. it’s a motor boat (ha ha ha ha) so it’s not a mammoth of a sea vessel but still. once you get out on the water it’s nice.

me, driving.

similar to the way you should not try to tame KILLER WHALES, you should not have cruise ships that have all that stuff in them: restaurants, multiple swimming pools, bedrooms, etc. it’s just an xzibit macro waiting to happen. however, my favorite movie is titanic so making this into a movie (starring leonardo dicaprio) might convince me to watch it. or leonardo could sit next to me while we watched it together and he could do that fake cough that slowly leads into putting his arm behind me and then i look at him and smile and then i catch him looking at me and then he catches me looking at him but i am mildly awkward around men so the next time i see him i don’t know what to say and he thinks i don’t like him and i do and i’d like to take a minute just sit right there, i’ll tell you how I became the prince of a town called bel-air. in west philadelphia born and raised on the playground is where i spent most of my days. chillin out, maxin, relaxing all cool just shootin some b-ball outside of the school when a couple of guys said “we’re up to no good” started making trouble in my neighborhood. i got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said “you’re moving with your auntie and uncle in bel air.” i whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said “FRESH” and there were dice on the mirror. if anything i could say that this cab was rare but i thought “now forget it, yo home- to bel-air!” i pulled up to the house around seven or eight and yelled to the cabby “yo home, smell ya later!” looked at my kingdom i was finally there, to sit on my throne as the prince of bel-air.

for the first time this entire school year, i’m sick..

anyways, i shouldn’t even be going to class even though i am definitely having fever hallucinations (if anyone from any of my classes reads this, now you know why i have been bumping into all the desks) but there are places to go and upperclassmen hotties to stare at while i mouth breathe because i can’t inhale through my nose. does this sound like a taylor swift song if taylor swift was a Catholic, self depreciating loser? yeeeeeeeeeeeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

onward! to youtube screencaps. when i lived at home my sister and i abused the tivo when it came to pausing at certain moments to catch people with the worst/funniest faces. someone call child protective services!!

i just have to comment…WHAT IS that waist? give me your corset marianne thornberry!! this looks just like my french teacher from high school