the its lauren servideo college of farts and sciences presents the first of a two-part abstract study on albany’s favorite college bars: the abbott tavern and bOgieS.  they’re actually really biased reviews/survival guides but “comparative analysis” and “abstract study” sounds more fancy, like sticking your pinky out when holding a drink.

the name “abbott tavern” might conjure up images of irish men breaking beer bottles over each others faces and in general just getting really rowdy like irish dudes do, but that’s not it…at all.

attire: go as close to naked as you can. there are maybe four sources of ventilation, and to avoid going too much into the next part, it is an abnormally small space. i mean, it’s a house. imagine stuffing 100 people into your living room and closing the door. the first time i came here was yesterday, april 29th, and even though it was 50 degrees at night, i knew i had to suck it up and wear a light shirt and some pants. i usually wear jeans over spandex, two layers of shirts and socks under my combat boots if i go out at night (which is…never. i have gone out 7 times the whole year). that could pass at a house party but i get goose bumps thinking about what would have happened if i showed up like that. TERRIFYING.

hotness: it’s beyond the sweat that you’re conscious of. you know it’s hot but then you go to wipe your forehead or something and it’s like the gulf of mexico is just chillin on your face but you didn’t even realize it. so in essence, a) step outside periodically 2) buy a beer and just rub the cold bottle all over your body to avoid looking like this episode of the twilight zone:

smells: this place smells like barf. i know i use barf a lot to describe things that are gross, i.e. “there was an eyelash cooked into my macaroni and cheese (barf)!!” but i am not speaking metaphorically when i say this place really does smell like vomit. the dance floor is okay but the bar area reeks of bile. it doesn’t help when a lot of the guys think it’s okay to have axe double as a deodorant and cologne. i mean c’mon, step up. at least use drakkar noir. but anyways, i have a hypersensitive nose but i could still stand the scent of the place. it’s not the end of the world, just be a mouth breather for the night

music: i know that this won’t speak true to every night of the week since they change djs, but it was total club music. everybody mouthed the words and sang along to artists i honestly have never heard of. i think i heard a black eyed peas song and jay-z’s “empire state of mind” and one song from middle school but that was it. the dj nailed it though..all his transitions (is that what you call them? when one song starts moving into another one?) were really fluid.

lines: i did not have to wait long outside to get in, but it was a thursday night, so take that into account i guess. the line for the bathroom wasn’t bad either! however, the toilet paper was m.i.a. as was the handle to the sink and the mirror. i peeped some people getting drinks and the bartenders wasted no time in delivering the bottles to the patrons so long as you weren’t being a s.o.b. and snapping your fingers in their face asking for a beverage.

i hate sounding like a pretentious smut but everyone who annoys the everliving shart out of everyone when they’re drunk goes to the abbott tavern to have a good time. i would say 20, maybe 25% people there that night were just there to chill and find someone to boink. it’s nothing to be uptight about, and it was fun to count the amount of dudes who employed the d.e.n.n.i.s. system and t0 see the gals who hardcore fell for it. all in all, this place blows if you are sober so if you do go in such a state, raise hell. and bring good friends. pretend it’s a night at the roxbury.

party on boys and girls

bogies review will hopefully be up sunday..going saturday night for the first time with a notepad, 10 dollars and a dream

psych majors, riddle me this: is it okay to listen to “layla piano exit” by derek and the dominos on loop while you do your homework?

what does this say about me? what if i said i half agreed with karen hill when she said

“I know there are women like my best friends who would have gotten out of there the minute their boyfriends gave them a gun to hide, but I didn’t. I got to admit the truth, it turned me on.”

what if i said i still watch david after dentist and laugh?

what if i said sometimes i put on ‘hey jude’ and skip to the na na na na na part? well, i will usually play the part where p.mccart goes “you have found her, now go and get her.” that part speaks to me. i think my worst nightmare after dying alone and the ocean is finding out someone liked me, like, really liked me, maybe even loved me and they never told me and it’s the day before my wedding to a guy i don’t really love but i have to get married so i can live out the Catholic dream of popping out children and wait….this is a scene from the graduate. but even still, i don’t want that to happen. it won’t, because males don’t like me in that fashion, despite the fact that in pictures my boobs look like someone took the blur tool to them in photoshop. remember the bro code conspiracy? yeah..

what if i said i was trying really hard to learn how to do this? i can be “that guy” at parties

what if i said that one time i came home crying from a middle school dance and my dad played ‘streets of philadelphia’ and ‘somewhere over the rainbow’ for me as i sobbed into my pillow (it was my only moment of teenage wasteland, so shut up).

what if i said i just did this

have you ever been certain you were going to spend the rest of your life with someone? i have:

they were on the today show today and the 1997 version of me, aka hanson stan, went bonkers. they are all married and have gorgeous wives so of course a meth addict like myself would never end up in the arms of someone from the band that defined the late 90′s zeitgeist.

mix of phil spector and (drug addled) lindsay lohan. i walked around like this all. day.

i look like your aunt who accidently burns everyone with her newports and has a tattoo on her lower back of winnie the pooh reaching into a honey jar.

dream boats:

they’re all brunettes!!

I COULDA BEEN A CONTENDER, INSTEAD OF A BUM, WHICH IS WHAT I AM

once upon a time, holden caulfield said

“I was half in love with her by the time we sat down. That’s the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they’re not much to look at, or even if they’re sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are.”

and i think he was lying

i’ve officially been bitten by the (film) photography bug. my cousin alicia kills it when it comes to the camera and she has since i was young. one of my favorite memories is when she invited me to go with her to ritz camera to pick up some photos from her trip to europe (this is going back about 10 years, and she was still a little older than i am currently). it sounds so incredibly lame but i get turned on by the most boring of activities.

anyways, to make a long story short, my 18th birthday present was a yashica t4 camera that sha recommended to me since i was looking to get into film. lo and behold, i go to turn on the camera and it’s sucking the juice out of the battery the way a boring lecture class sucks the life out of you. that’d be awesome and very easy to repair if, say, the company was still around. this guy named mark hama has had it since october and finally found the part the camera needs to stop killing the battery. it is en route to him but i was at goodwill the other day when a kodak advantix t 550 was on sale for $7.00 and i took the chance and bought it while i wait for my yashica. the yashica is definitely a nicer camera (and the film is way cheaper) but this will do. between today and yesterday i took some test shots. they’re mostly of my cat since i have no friends (lol, jk sorta) but i will get more! PROMISE

at first i was like “wow, this poll is balls! nobody is prettier than megan fox except for the Virgin Mary,” and even then i’m all:

but then i clicked and

whoohoo!

if she can do it, i can try but i probably won’t succeed. one sweet day:

]

i went for a run when it was about 70 degrees and i turned a dark shade of lobster. and i was so sweaty. i was all over craigslist missed encounters that day

facemask, done 10 minutes ago

i look like nicholas cage’s son

happy easter bros…or not

i always get strangers coming up to me going “SMILE!!” and im like ……. sorry my default face looks like this.even my sister is programmed that way

there is one more that honestly blows the rest of these away but dom has to give it to me. it might even beat nikki minaj stills

and this from the how to netti pot video

big news! over the summer i will be nannying for two girls, aged 6 and 11 from 630am to 530pm, five days a week. this obviously leaves no time for blogging so im like

thinking about how this blog has so much potential to diminish during that time. however, i have come up with an appropriate segment called

aka

“kids say the darnest things.” obviously i won’t stop posting on everything else, since the format of how i get content for this dweebsite isn’t much different than what i will be doing. well, that’s kind of a lie. kids require less internet. but i always carry a notepad and pen on me for when i see stuff irl that i need to remember. and an iphone.

i’m mostly excited because of the almost infinite power i have over these very malleable children. their dad asked that we do a few hours of homework and reading in the morning which means i am totally whipping out “To Kill a Mockingbird” which i read for the first time in 4th grade and would love to read to them out loud. that’s my favorite book (Lolita too, but i obviously can’t read that to them. barf). favorite literary quotes:

“I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It’s when you know you’re licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do.” – Atticus Finch, To Kill a Mockingbird

“They’re certainly entitled to think that, and they’re entitled to full respect for their opinions… but before I can live with other folks I’ve got to live with myself.  The one thing that doesn’t abide by majority rule is a person’s conscience.”  - Atticus Finch, To Kill a Mockingbird

“Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
5 From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-cross’d lovers take their life;
Whole misadventured piteous overthrows
Do with their death bury their parents’ strife.
The fearful passage of their death-mark’d love,
10 And the continuance of their parents’ rage,
Which, but their children’s end, nought could remove,
Is now the two hours’ traffic of our stage;
The which if you with patient ears attend,
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.” – Romeo and Juliet (not a book, shut up) Prologue, Shakesphere

“Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta. She was Lo, plain Lo, in the morning, standing four feet ten in one sock. She was Lola in slacks. She was Dolly at school. She was Dolores on the dotted line. But in my arms she was always Lolita. Did she have a precursor? She did, indeed she did. In point of fact, there might have been no Lolita at all had I not loved, one summer, an initial girl-child. In a princedom by the sea. Oh when? About as many years before Lolita was born as my age was that summer. You can always count on a murderer for a fancy prose style. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, exhibit number one is what the seraphs, the misinformed, simple, noble-winged seraphs, envied. Look at this tangle of thorns.” – Humbert Humbert, Lolita

“I was half in love with her by the time we sat down. That’s the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they’re not much to look at, or even if they’re sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are.” Holden Caulfield, Catcher in the Rye

“Because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.” Anne Frank, Diary of Anne Frank

“The unreal is more powerful than the real. Because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on. If you can change the way people think. The way they see themselves. The way they see the world. You can change the way people live their lives. That’s the only lasting thing you can create.” – Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

this is all i can think of at the top of my head.

new world record: two weeks without updating!! i haven’t gone through any of the people who have my in their blog links/sidebar, but i can almost guarantee i’ve been extracted and/or bumped to the bottom. such is the life…of having a life and not having time to update. i have been on the internet though, and it’s been really weird. findings:

one of the reasons why i hate movies is because they make the rest of the world (namely men) think that public engagements are clever and cute and exactly what we (womans) want. NO, NO, NO, NO. it never works for all the dudes at the hockey/basketball/baseball games, and i have yet to meet another female who enjoys getting asked to prom or getting asked to take your hand in marriage in front of everyone. it’s a private moment. similar to the way you try not to have diarrhea in the school bathroom in front of all the popular girls (and because that stock toilet paper is the devil’s sandpaper), please stop asking really personal questions that might embarass ya if i said no.

there are 50 comments on that status, god bless us all

mandy moore’s candy video is so suggestive and i never realized it. you know who you are, your love’s as sweet as candy, i’ll be forever yours. love always, mandy

kesha and john travolta. YIKES RESEMBLANCE. thanks ontd for stills.

and lastly, but most important, king curtis vs. latarian “hoodrat things” milton? decide for yourself and leave a comment explaining why

sooo i was doing a little research and found cryingwife.com. husband records his wife at the end of movies while she is sobbing and it’s pretty funny. like myself, she cries at films you normally wouldn’t find yourself getting emotional over (star wars, back to the future, etc.) but her husband records it for the rest of us to see. seriously, why didn’t i think of this? i should compile a list of all the entries on here of when i watched stuff and cried, like kiwi:

i am still really proud of the fact that i sat through THE END OF SCHINDLERS LIST, BAMBI, AND THE LION KING and did not cry. i mean, yeah, i killed it at the mr. rogers video but that is soooo much progress for me. i need to set up a rewards system.

let the record show that it is 3:21 am, and i am in my bed SOBBING my eyeballs out. totalfilm.com came out with an ‘ultimate tearjerker’ list which lead me to watching the saddest parts in all my favorite movies:

beaches

homeward bound

stand by me (growing sadder, but still no crying. “we’re never going to get out of this town” and “cya”"not if i see you first” usually force me to succumb to my overwhelming emotions but not this time)

the wrestler

it’s a wonderful life

schindler’s list

fox and the hound

dumbo

the lion king (and this is where i start tearing up)

bambi (obviously by this point i am deeevastated but there are still no tears running down my cheeks believe it or not). however, a looooooong time ago, at least 12 years ago, i must have been 5 at the most. i watched bambi with my mother and wept on her lap. i remember it so vividly. i think everyone has a story similar to this…

but i watch this video and that’s when i am seriously DESTROYED. think of the scene in the shining where all the blood comes gushing down the hall way but turn those into tears and this my friends, is what you have. to be specific, i started at the 3:34 mark but if you have any sense at all, watch the entire video in it’s entirety and DEFINITELY stay for the ending

mr. rogers was my first crush and im not even going to front, i miss this guy a ton. the waterworks prove it:

if anybody knows of any more sad movies, let me know because i will record my reaction and post it here. unfortunately youtube doesn’t have the scene in forrest gump (my third favorite movie of all time) where SPOILER ALERT forrest is at jenny’s grave but i bet if i saw that right before the lion king and mr. rogers i would have woken up the whole house with my cries! ahh, such a baby. also, yall should ask my aunt about the time i went to go see my dog skip at the theatre and my parents had to carry me out. i was 8, whatever..please don’t judge. my dog had died earlier that year and it aaaaaallllll came rushing back! rude family, dang, cool empathy skills you jerks. you can pretty much count on any movie where a dog gets hurt or dies for me to bring the tears. and the end of steel magnolias, which i am too weak to look up on youtube.