anyways, ever since i started this blog in late december, i have been getting a ton of spam emails. ya know, the kind that say they will give you 20% of so and so’s fortune if you just contribute a certain amount. i received a really funny one a week or so ago that i want to share. my commentary is bolded.

Letter from Helen,, (hi helen,,)

Dear Friend,

Good day and Compliments,

I am writing this letter in confidence believing that if it is the wish of God for you to help me and my only little brother at this very point of need, God almighty will bless and reward you abundantly and you would never regret this, I know it may be hard for you to believe me but I plead with you to read my letter very well because it is only God in heaven knows am telling you the simple truth. (um..rule of thumb to future spammers…do not abuse freetranslation.com. this is a 1 sentance paragraph. not cool) 

I am a female student; (proper use of a semi colon)I have  finished my secondary school  education. I am 23 yrs old, and my little brother is 19yrs old, my mother died when she was giving birth of my little brother (lol what is this the lion king?), and since then my father has been taking good care of us, but something happened

My father is an international business man that deals on Gold. But suddenly my father was poisoned by his business partner one (Mr Jonas tender)(or uncle scar?? dun dun dun) and he died earlier three months ago and left me and my little brother behind. He was the one that told me that it was his  business partner (Mr Jonas tender) that poisoned him and he warned  me seriously to be very careful of his business partner and his family brothers too, they were not happy with him because he married my mother,

And after he’s (alexis from jon and kate plus 8…did you write this letter?) death (Mr Jonas brothers tender) which is my father’s business partner suddenly changed and turn against my  us  together with my father’s lawyer , 

I was a princess to him and I am the only one who knows his secret, and he always tells me how I can take good care of his wealth encase if anything goes wrong, it  is as if he knows that he is going to die, He told me that  he has the  sum of USD 40, 000.000 million dollars (fourty  Million, US Dollars) in his name in ECO bank of Nigeria .

Now that my father and mother  is dead (my parents) and our staying  in  is no more  safe at all, I and my little  brother  decided to move to a Neighbouring African Country for safety (damn africa what happened?), and we are now as refugees,but i thank god that we are servivoving with the help  a church in Burkina Faso.  Burkina FasoNigeria

This money was annually paid into my late fathers account from the gain he made from his business, 

I don’t know how and what to do because this is not a small amount of money, and I have all the information’s it will take to withdraw this money, but the problem is that you know this money is too big for me and I don’t know how to start about it, and if my fathers family gets to know this they will want to kill us and enjoy all my father money (lolllll this is better than a dean koontz novel),

That is why am urgently in need of your humble assistance to move this money from the to your bank account,
(all these weird line breaks remind me of the poetry unit in ap lit…barf)
central bank of Nigeria

And I will need your assistance as a parent to direct me on how to invest this money wisely possibly in your country with my little brother  as to enable me continue my education that is why I humble need  your assistance ,  

you will not believe how happy  I felt  when I saw your contact because I strongly believe that if you are the right person for us you will understand me because me and my little brother has been praying to God for his direction to avoid mistake because this is where our future hope is right now, I am ready to give you  30% of the total amount to you if you will  help us in this urgent situation  and another 10% interest of Annual After Income to you, for helping   us,

If you think you can be able to handle this project sincerely and also willing to assist me in lifting this money to your account so that we can join you in your country  please  kindly reach me by sending to me your complete details  urgent.

Wating to hear from you urgently,,

helen,, (if youre from africa…why are you white)

gabby saulsbery: i saw the movie ‘earth’ and i found out that polar bears can drown
person i like katy pinkham: yeah….i’ve been thinking about that for months

and

person i like justine Justine: the country setting
me aka Lauren: oh right?????????!!!
Lauren: i was going to do cold mountain
Justine: ew
Justine: lol, I’m using The Poisonwood Bible
Lauren: barbara kingsolver
Lauren: o girl
Lauren: you and your sex scenes
Justine: what!?
Lauren: um her writers on writing was all abotu sex scenes
Justine: really?
Lauren: yee
Justine: I didn’t realize, or else I totally would have done her
Justine: um, no pun intended, lol

congrats on being hilarious and awesome

in other news, my thyroid is the patrick bateman of all thyroids. it is a raging psychopath and wont cooperate with my body and is being super slow. my mom consulted a herbologist since my actual prescribed medication is sucking. he gave me a ton of vitamins and such. then he dropped the bomb that i would need to cut all carbs and sugar from my diet for three weeks

oh yeah, butter is a carb and no karen i cant go to taco bell because im on an all carb diet NO CARB DIET AHHH. its going to be almonds and grapefruit and water the next 3 weeks. i told justine i would bake vegan cupcakes with her after the ap lit exam. i guess that means i cant eat one now.  no yogurt, oatmeal, or juice. or mangoes. which is essentally what i live on. no lean cuisines either.