don vito says: really fordham university? really? you explicitly state in your letter “we hope this assistance will make if financially possible for you to attend fordham university.” yet you give lauren only 2,300 dollars toward her financial aid? really? But you don’t GIVE with respect. you dont offer friendship. you don’t even think to call me Godfather. Instead, you come into my home on the day LAUREN IS TO GO TO COLLEGE and you OFFER ME NOTHING. 

ON HER BEHALF, I AM INSULTED.

lauren says (mimicking the don): really? ugh, what an insult. i am personally offended!! 2300 dollars? that is a SMALL PACKAGE (and yes that is what she said). your manhood is lacking fordham!! you dudes messed with the wrong catholic girl!! and her family. doesn’t my last name just scream mafia?? i mean cmon, i shot a man in reno just to watch him die*. this is a threat**.

*= i did not actually shoot a man in reno just to watch him die…but johnny cash did

**= this is not a threat. please do not be mad at me.