on monday, june 22nd, 2009 at 9:00 pm est (more like 9:45, but whatever), millions of hormonal american women committed suicide after viewing the jon and kate plus eight episode “houses & big changes.”

so yeah, i understand entirely how incredibly lamentable divorce is, but for the love of pete, can you people stop already?? like…HOW DID YOU NOT SEE THIS COMING!!?? i saw the animosity brewing just before the renewed vows episode and NOBODY BELIEVED ME. infact, i was berated for my predictions (jackie scratched me on several occasions when i would bring the ‘d’ word up around j&k).

there are several things i want to say about this episode. it is mostly addressing kate and jon, even if they will never see this facebook note:

1) kate – i can easily understand why you thought this separation would have come about regardless of the television show. but really? REALLY? you don’t attribute this mess at all to your seemingly overnight notoriety, and oh yeah, dollar dollar bills y’all? when did sudden fame and fortune ever work out for anyone, ever? not to mention, how many reality show couples do you know that are together? in a *functional* relationship? i know two, and i had to google them.

2) jon – you are going through one of the most obvious mid life crises ever. it must suck even more because you don’t even know it. the white acura sports car, the bluetooth permanently embedded in your ear, ED HARDY CLOTHES THAT ARE UGLY AS SIN, two pierced ears, smoking marijuana (look it up, there is pictorial evidence), and hah, before i forget, sleeping with 23 year olds? i guess kate was right when she said you had no idea about the later repercussions of the asinine decisions you are making. frankly, i feel really bad for you.

3) the both of you – i dont have kids (8 none the less), and i don’t even have a boyfriend. i do know, however, that if everything is “ABOUT THE KIDS ABOUT THE KIDS MY KIDS OUR KIDS I DO EVERYTHING FOR MY KIDS” and martyring yourself….i mean, how can you possibly have a valued partnership? i know its just a natural thing for a parent to put their child first, but its like…if you don’t pay attention to each other, duh…..its not going to work. its called balance and moderation. i guess its too late for you guys, but for everyone else: learn it, live it, love it.

i think now, with the divorce, this show truly is a reality. it represents the other 50% of marriages- ya know, the ones that just don’t work out. if it was really as bad as both parties describe, separation is better. not only for the family, but for the ratings too i guess. zing.

anyways, ever since i started this blog in late december, i have been getting a ton of spam emails. ya know, the kind that say they will give you 20% of so and so’s fortune if you just contribute a certain amount. i received a really funny one a week or so ago that i want to share. my commentary is bolded.

Letter from Helen,, (hi helen,,)

Dear Friend,

Good day and Compliments,

I am writing this letter in confidence believing that if it is the wish of God for you to help me and my only little brother at this very point of need, God almighty will bless and reward you abundantly and you would never regret this, I know it may be hard for you to believe me but I plead with you to read my letter very well because it is only God in heaven knows am telling you the simple truth. (um..rule of thumb to future spammers…do not abuse freetranslation.com. this is a 1 sentance paragraph. not cool) 

I am a female student; (proper use of a semi colon)I have  finished my secondary school  education. I am 23 yrs old, and my little brother is 19yrs old, my mother died when she was giving birth of my little brother (lol what is this the lion king?), and since then my father has been taking good care of us, but something happened

My father is an international business man that deals on Gold. But suddenly my father was poisoned by his business partner one (Mr Jonas tender)(or uncle scar?? dun dun dun) and he died earlier three months ago and left me and my little brother behind. He was the one that told me that it was his  business partner (Mr Jonas tender) that poisoned him and he warned  me seriously to be very careful of his business partner and his family brothers too, they were not happy with him because he married my mother,

And after he’s (alexis from jon and kate plus 8…did you write this letter?) death (Mr Jonas brothers tender) which is my father’s business partner suddenly changed and turn against my  us  together with my father’s lawyer , 

I was a princess to him and I am the only one who knows his secret, and he always tells me how I can take good care of his wealth encase if anything goes wrong, it  is as if he knows that he is going to die, He told me that  he has the  sum of USD 40, 000.000 million dollars (fourty  Million, US Dollars) in his name in ECO bank of Nigeria .

Now that my father and mother  is dead (my parents) and our staying  in  is no more  safe at all, I and my little  brother  decided to move to a Neighbouring African Country for safety (damn africa what happened?), and we are now as refugees,but i thank god that we are servivoving with the help  a church in Burkina Faso.  Burkina FasoNigeria

This money was annually paid into my late fathers account from the gain he made from his business, 

I don’t know how and what to do because this is not a small amount of money, and I have all the information’s it will take to withdraw this money, but the problem is that you know this money is too big for me and I don’t know how to start about it, and if my fathers family gets to know this they will want to kill us and enjoy all my father money (lolllll this is better than a dean koontz novel),

That is why am urgently in need of your humble assistance to move this money from the to your bank account,
(all these weird line breaks remind me of the poetry unit in ap lit…barf)
central bank of Nigeria

And I will need your assistance as a parent to direct me on how to invest this money wisely possibly in your country with my little brother  as to enable me continue my education that is why I humble need  your assistance ,  

you will not believe how happy  I felt  when I saw your contact because I strongly believe that if you are the right person for us you will understand me because me and my little brother has been praying to God for his direction to avoid mistake because this is where our future hope is right now, I am ready to give you  30% of the total amount to you if you will  help us in this urgent situation  and another 10% interest of Annual After Income to you, for helping   us,

If you think you can be able to handle this project sincerely and also willing to assist me in lifting this money to your account so that we can join you in your country  please  kindly reach me by sending to me your complete details  urgent.

Wating to hear from you urgently,,

helen,, (if youre from africa…why are you white)